Reflections on Valentine's

I have never been happy for too long, that is both the sad and ugly truth I am beginning with.

The number of girlfriends I have had can be found within the fingers of just one hand; I am not much of a scoundrel, if there really is a part of me related to such a character. I do not care what others might think. I did before, I do not anymore.

Numerology has always had a special meaning to me. I have always related three to folklore, seven to luck and fourteen to Valentine's. Because that was yesterday, so I am mentioning it face value, though it still is from Greenland to the West.

Up to this year of our Lord of 2015, I have only celebrated Valentine's twice. In other occasions I had either started dating a girl after this day or I would just not reach the following calendar.

I have always believed in the power of love, from man to woman, woman to man, man to man and woman to woman, for I am not a ridiculously prejudiced bastard.

One year ago, I was asking my last girlfriend to be my Valentine, on Valentine's. It was Friday, the morning was yet to rise with the Sun. We were not by each other. She was far, far away from me. We could only see each other because of globalisation. Other than that, it would not have been possible. Her answer to my question was yes. She pronounced the magic word and broke into tears of joy and happiness. I felt the happiest human being alive, still in my jammies, with my robe on, wearing glasses, my hairdo dismantled by both the pillow and my anxiety, my eyes still swollen from forcing them open. I was not dressed for a night out, romantic dinner, candles, violin sonatas, stars above in the sky watching out for me so I would not screw it all up, but I did not mind. It is the true you they have to meet, the world, not the perfect ideal of you.

Before one of the happiest days of my life, I had lived an adventure, in London. I was looking for a job as a Drama Teacher in some secondary school, but I was really not certified, so I did not stand much of a chance. I had not even thought about conducting a research that would very soon reveal itself to be my PhD thesis today. So I was in the Tube, one evening, though it was really about 4:30 pm, sitting in a carriage riding the Bakerloo line. At Charing Cross station, a girl hopped aboard the same carriage and sat in the bench in front of me, a bit to my right, let us say my one o'clock. She was not just any girl. She was the girl. Emerald-green eyes, fair, short hair, fleshy lips, face of an angel, wearing a white skirt with some flowers on it. Her shoes were sober, simple, and so was her jacket, her sweater and her leggings - dark, mysterious, unrevealing, surprising. She had no make-up on her face. She did not need to wear any. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I did not have the time to analyse or survey her this much. I only realised afterwards I had gotten every detail of her semblance. The next month I actually flew back just to try and find her in one of the largest metropoles in the world. No such luck. I tried everything I could. I nearly camped in that station. There were times I was drawn back at the same time I had seen her the month before, and there were other times I would go to the station when it opened, by 6:00 am. I never slept much doing this sort of craze. Maybe two to three hours, tops. I just feared I would be smelly when I found her, so I always did my best to look sharp and avoid scaring that beautiful creation by Mother Nature. At some point, I felt motion sickness from sitting in one of the benches and keep staring at the trains coming and going, trying to find the slightest detail that would lead me to identifying her. More to that, I would refrain myself from having something to eat, first, as I thought I would have the time in the future to do that, with her. Many will say I believe life is some sort of fairy tale. They may be right, it is not. However, if we do not add a bit of fantasy into our reality, then what is the point of dreaming and smiling for imagining we will someday and eventually be happy for all time with the person you love the most and believe is right for you? I never found her, I never knew her name, what she did, where she lived, whether she had already found her loved one... no clue at all.

I had not fallen in love with someone so vividly for nearly three years. Again I say, I do not fit in a scoundrel's description. It was precisely that long ago I thought I had established myself for the rest of my life, actually thinking I would marry that woman in a bright future, always in love, always passionate about each other. The problem was my concept of romance back then was too literal, too 19th century, too daft.

Today, I am in love again. Nonetheless, I am afraid of screwing it up, again, I am afraid of losing a friend, I am afraid I will be let go for having the wrong feelings, I am afraid I will lose a soul mate, meaning we share the same perspectives over the world and, who knows, the cosmos, I am afraid I will never find real happiness for myself.

Today did not hurt like it did once or maybe more than that.

Today was just a regular day, without the hope to change it and make it sunny.

Originally posted on Facebook, February 15th, 2015.